Emotionally Involved - Episode III

11 February 2009

11.11pm

Just got back from the hospital. Makcik has been transferred to the 1^st class ward at level 8 HTAA. When I saw her just now, she seemed better than the day before. The 1^st thing she asked me was, “Hana dah baca ke pasal penyakit mck ni?”

Poor mck. She waited the whole day for me, and I came to see her only at 10.00pm in the night. How guilty I felt. I tried my best to explain in a professional way about her condition and her limited choice of treatment due to the advanced stage of her disease. Even chemotherapy would not be that helpful in gastric ‘tumor’, I told her. Along the way I avoided using the word cancer.

She asked, “Kalau Dr dah tak boleh nak buat apa, katalah chemo pun tak boleh juga, ada tak cara alternative yg Dr boleh cadang utk ubatkan penyakit mck?” I felt really hesitant to answer, because she seemed so hopeful. At last I talked to her daughter regarding the most Dr could do would probably be palliative treatment and to improve her quality of life.

Before going back, as usual I salam her and cium both her cheeks, the cheeks that showed obvious wasting of the masseter muscles as a result of her massive loss of weight. Suddenly she broke down into tears. As if that was the last time she would see me. She told me, “Apa-apa pun, kuasa Allah mengatasi segala-galanya. Kita ni manusia hanya hamba.”

I sat close to her, almost whispering, “Betul mck, kita manusia ni hanya boleh ikhtiar je. Tapi Allah yang menentukan segala-galanya.”

She continued, “Hana doalah kat mck, hana ni mulia, byk tolong orang…”

I replied, “Eh, yaAllah, takde pun mck, hana baru belajar mck… Mck pun doakanlah hana ya, org yg sakit ni doanya dimaqbulkan”

“InsyaAllah, mck doakan hana mcm mck doakan anak2 mck jugak..”

“Hana pun dah anggap mck mcm mak hana sendiri…”

She kissed me twice. She really made me feel like a daughter to her. It was a really really hard moment for me, what more to the patient herself, after listening to such unpromising explanations… When I turned my head towards her daughter, she was almost weeping. After shaking her hand, I quickly went out of the cubicle, tears running down my eyes… “Ya Allah, please make me strong, but please make my patient stronger…”

11.27pm

11 February 2009